Enriching, Revitalizing, and Rescuing Marriages

    In-laws…love ‘em or hate ‘em? The parent/child relationship is one that develops over many years and is intricate and complex. It is no wonder, then, that an in-law relationship can be arduous and strenuous, especially in its beginnings. Nonetheless, there are some things the parents-in-law and the children-in-law can do to encourage the process of building a relationship.             As we look to the life of our Savior, Jesus Christ, our Exemplar, we can unders tand the first step in building a relationship, it is love. Express love for your in-laws and gratitude for all they do for you. Your parents-in-law raised the person you deemed suitable to marry; or, on the other end, your daughter/son-in-law loved your child enough to marry him/her, and that is a big deal. Before I even got married, I could see myself being a member of my husband’s family. I never felt a sense of competition with my mother-in-law for Devin’s time and attention. It felt like she was encouraging him t

                 “I’ve learned that when you try to control everything, you enjoy nothing.” – LULU – THEGOODVIBE.CO                 Let’s talk control! Some people relish a sense of power, while others recoil at the idea authority. Whatever your preference, there are two stages of life I want to discuss today where the careful management of control is necessary in the maintenance of good relationships.                 The first situation of control is within the parent/child relationship. The idea of parents “controlling” their children raises the hackles on the back of some people’s necks. They see it as their job to encourage their child’s free spirit. On the other hand, keeping tight reigns on a child’s privacy and always having the last (and sometimes only) say over a child’s decision-making is what brings other parents a sense of comfort and control. So, who is right and where do you fit on the scale?                 Parents give us a stable launching pad from which to

                           Have you ever considered your sexual relationship with your spouse as a stewardship? As in, it is the responsibility of you and your spouse to take care of the sexual well-being of your relationship. For many married couples, it may seem like this aspect of their marriage should take care of itself, but if that is the case, warning sign and symptoms of distress may go unnoticed until damage has already taken place.                 In his paper, Fulfilling the Sexual Stewardship in Marriage , S.E. Brotherson suggests taking this approach, especially if one tends to avoid dealing with sexual feelings or challenges in marriage. He quotes Dr. Brent Barlow, a professor of family life at Brigham Young University, who teaches this same idea to his students, using scripture as the root of the teaching: Matthew 25:14-30 and 1 Corinthians 7:2-5. Dr. Barlow expounds: “Implied are at least three elements that characterize successful stewardship: (1) agency, (

                                                                  I can’t think of anything more hopeless than being stuck in New York City 5 o’clock traffic. Thank goodness I’ve only seen picture and have never experienced it. That’s what I thought of this week when I learned about couples in gridlocked conflict. A quick search on my phone brought up Wikipedia’s definition of gridlock as “a form of traffic congestion where continuous queues of vehicles block an entire network of intersecting streets, bringing traffic in all directions to a complete standstill.” This definition is similarly descriptive of marital gridlock as well.                 When the priest in  The Princess Bride  described marriage as a “ bwessed event ” and that “ dweam wifin a dweam ” he was not describing how one feels during the low, grueling, heart-wrenching aspects of marriage. There are times when spouses look at each other and wonder, “Who are you and where did you come from?!” Gridlock occurs

               Every relationship is a combination of individuals with their own personalities, likes and dislikes, values, temperament, and personality quirks. Naturally, couples must deal with differences in opinion from time to time. Some differences may seem small and inconsequential in the long-run, others may feel overwhelming, imprisoning or lonely, and unsolvable. Dr. John Gottman, in  The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work , has found that all disagreements fall into one of two categories: solvable or perpetual (meaning they will be a part of your relationship in one way or another throughout the lifetime of the relationship).                 The fact that many marital conflicts are solvable, does not make them any less hurtful. The key to resolving these types of arguments is knowing how to discuss them in a productive way. Examples of solvable problems include the following: Haley wants to go to the monthly school board meetings, but Joe wants to play basketball du

               C.S. Lewis once said, “A proud man is always looking down on things and people; and, of course, as long as you are looking down, you cannot see something that is above you.” Pride, in the form of contempt, is one of the four-horsemen talked about by John Gottman. Contempt is the feeling that a person or a thing is beneath consideration, worthless, or deserving scorn. Contempt is riddled with pride.                 Pride is a universal sin that seems to sneak into our beings without us even noticing. As I read in The Book of Mormon this week, I pondered Nephi’s words as he described the temptations of the devil as “mists of darkness.” (1 Nephi 12:17) Like morning dew settles on blades of grass without us perceiving the moisture in the air, Satan often tempts us in cunning, yet seemingly innocent ways, without our full cognizance. Pride slithers its way into marriage through feelings of self-righteousness, annoyance, defensiveness, unrighteous dominion, and selfishness

              Have you ever wondered if you chose the right spouse? I do not think I am alone in second-guessing my choice for a spouse from time to time. This quote from H. Wallace Goddard in  Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage   gives me reassurance for times like this: “At times of relationship stress the best of us may wonder if we should have married differently-if we made a mistake. My guess is that, in ways not discerned by us, God guided us to be together. My guess is that God can take our marital choices and make them ideally suited to bless and balance us. At my best I am the perfect man for [my wife]. [My wife] at her best is the perfect partner for me. I believe that. In fact, I believe that God guides our lives in ways that we almost never discern. Not only does He sustain us from moment to moment by lending us breath, He also guides, rescues, protects, teaches, and blesses constantly.”                 As I have progressed through this marriage class, my eyes have been

               Talk about pain! Before I gave birth to my first child, I had never experienced such extreme physical pain. It literally felt like I was being turned inside-out and my insides ripped out of me. When I thought I could not handle it anymore, Devin bent low, his face close to mine, and said, “You gotta get this baby out, Susan. You can do it!” His encouragement and belief in me gave me the last surge of strength I needed to give life to our first child – a sweet, tiny baby girl we named Lucy. His encouragement aided me through four more births.                 The tender place in my heart where I store these memories, the giant ball of emotions and thoughts and feelings, the sense of awe and wonder, the balloon of gratitude toward my Heavenly Father, my husband, and those sweet babies who came to Earth so I could be their mommy – that place where I treasure those fond memories and feelings is so easily evoked that, I am a little embarrassed to admit, I am tearing up rig

              What if someone told you that after watching and listening to a couple for only 15 minutes, they could predict with 91% accuracy whether they would stay happily married or eventually separate in divorce? Seems a little far-fetched, right? Well that’s exactly what Dr. John M. Gottman claims in his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work . In his laboratories, Dr. Gottman watches couples’ body language, the way they argue with one another (note: not IF they argue, but the WAY they argue), their physiological responses to an argument, and their overall friendship. He watches to see if their positive thoughts and feelings toward each other and their relationship outnumber the negative ones. These, and other factors, help Dr. Gottman access the quality of the couple’s friendship. And it is this deep friendship that is at the heart of a happy couple’s marriage. Dr. Gottman defines friendship as, “a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company. These

               My Sonicare toothbrush that I’ve been using for years finally kicked the bucket last week. I haven’t bought a replacement yet, so there the broken one sits, still on my bathroom counter. Annoyingly, I keep reaching for it every time I brush my teeth, only to remember I have to use my cheap toothbrush from the dentist instead.                 Habits are hard to break. Some habits have a positive effect on our lives, and some are more negative. So how do our habits affect others around us? I kept this in mind this week as I studied 3 generations of marital habits in my paternal and maternal family. I was interested in which marriages stayed together, even through the rough times. Which ones dissolved in divorce? How did cohabitation affect later commitment? What role did religion play in a marital relationship? How did adoption affect marriage? I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and as such, I believe couples can be sealed together in o

     I appreciate the opportunity I had this week to read the summary of the U.S. Supreme Court's decision on the case of Obergefell v. Hodges (The U.S. Supreme Court’s ruling to legalize same-sex marriage) Obergefell v. Hodges, 576 U.S. (2015). Supreme Court of the United States. It was very enlightening, to say the least. As I considered the reasons laid out for the majority's ruling, and then statements of those who dissented, the question of, "What is the purpose of marriage?" kept cycling through my mind. To answer this question, I had to consider the usefulness of marriage as it was thousands of years ago, throughout time, over the ages, and up to today. It is such an innate part of my everyday life, that to consider this question was a very weighty matter. Depending on what I could conclude, the whole structure of what is holding my life together could change dramatically.  As I read through the majority's reasoning for their ruling to cause all state

“Mawage is what bwings us togethah today. Mawage, that bwessed awwangement. That dweam within a dweam! …then wuv, twoo wuv, will follow you forevah. So tweasure your wuv.” ( The Princess Bride , movie, 1987)                 As humorous as it is, The Princess Bride is a wonderful movie that portrays a couple’s willingness to fight for each other’s love and commitment in the midst of great obstacles. This is in contrast to today’s middle America (defined by the State of Our Unions 2012 ; The National Marriage Project, as the nearly 60 percent of Americans age 25 to 60 who have a high school but not a four-year college degree) where we see the ability to achieve and maintain marriage quickly sliding away. This is alarming, especially given that this population once married and formed families within those marriages in high proportions. The State of Our Unions address mentioned above called this “ the social challenge for our times .” What is taking the place of lasting marriage in