Relationship Traffic Jam - GRIDLOCK


                                                     

           I can’t think of anything more hopeless than being stuck in New York City 5 o’clock traffic. Thank goodness I’ve only seen picture and have never experienced it. That’s what I thought of this week when I learned about couples in gridlocked conflict. A quick search on my phone brought up Wikipedia’s definition of gridlock as “a form of traffic congestion where continuous queues of vehicles block an entire network of intersecting streets, bringing traffic in all directions to a complete standstill.” This definition is similarly descriptive of marital gridlock as well.
                When the priest in The Princess Bride described marriage as a “bwessed event” and that “dweam wifin a dweam” he was not describing how one feels during the low, grueling, heart-wrenching aspects of marriage. There are times when spouses look at each other and wonder, “Who are you and where did you come from?!” Gridlock occurs when couples cannot compromise over an issue because deep within the conflict (Ex: finances) lies philosophical dreams and concepts (Ex: security, freedom, power, making the world a better place, etc.). Quick example: John loves to be active in the winter, snowmobiling, skiing, sledding. Growing up, his family loved playing in the snow, then warming up together with a cup of hot chocolate by the fire, laughing and feeling each other’s love. That is what winter is all about for John. He wants Candice to join him and the kids more often, but she hates going outside because the hustle of getting snow clothes on and off usually pushed her mom’s temper over the edge. By the time they came in, everyone was cold, and no one was having fun. No amount of arguing will ever completely change any of their deep-down feelings.
                Often these issues are rooted in childhood, either as a desire to recreate fond memories (i.e. John loving the outdoors), or as a need to distance one’s self from unfavorable childhood memories so as to not recreate the same scenarios in adulthood (Candice not playing in the snow).
                Dreams are the core hopes, aspirations, and wishes one has for their life. To give up a dream would be like giving up a part of your identity or soul because it gives purpose and meaning to your life. Therefore, no matter how seemingly small or “childish” one’s dreams may be, it is important for individuals to uncover their dreams, then acknowledge your partner’s dreams, and finally, respect each other’s dreams. This is possible even in gridlock. The point is not to “give in” or “loose,” but rather, to understand and respect your partner’s dream, then discuss it without hurting one another, thus keeping the problem from overwhelming your relationship.
                I put a lot of thought into naming my blog. I decided on “Please Be There For Me” after reading a book entitled Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson. Her main point is that, as his wife, I need to KNOW that Devin is there for me, he has my back, NO MATTER WHAT. And as my husband, Devin needs to KNOW that I am there for him, I have his back, NO MATTER WHAT. We are there to hold each other through all our faults and idiosyncrasies. We truly are each other’s helpmeet. Aside from Jesus Christ alone, one’s spouse holds the most significant role of supporter, advocate, coach, and cheerleader. I can think of no better way to fulfill that role than to help my spouse discover and fulfill life dreams – to give selflessly of myself for the well-being of my partner. That is truly “knowing” each other, as it says in the Bible. That kind of love is true charity.
                To help you get started thinking about your own life goals, I have added a list of some life goals Dr. John Gottman commonly found in couples he has worked with over the years. See if any of these resonate with you, or if you can think of some on your own. Remember to be honest with yourself, no matter how seemingly insignificant or impractical your dream may be. It will never go away, so you might as well lay it all out on the table and look at it. You can save the touching for later, if needed.
  1. A sense of freedom
  2. Feeling at peace
  3. Exploring who I am
  4. Adventure
  5. A spiritual journey
  6. Justice
  7. Honor
  8. Consistency with my past values
  9. Healing
  10. Having a sense of power
  11. Dealing with growing older
  12. Exploring a creative side of myself
  13. Getting over past hurts
  14. Asking God for forgiveness
  15. Exploring an old part of myself I have lost
  16. Having a sense of order
  17. Being productive
  18. Getting my priorities in order
  19. Exploring the physical side of myself
  20. Being able to compete and win
  21. Traveling
  22. Atoning
  23. Ending a chapter of my life-saying good-bye to something
                I could not help myself, so I added a short video of Dr. Gottman describing gridlock. Sometimes a simple video is worth a thousand of my words…😉

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