Turning Toward Your Partner
As I have progressed through this marriage class, my eyes have been opened to the many great things Devin and I have going for us. I am convinced it is through the small things that love blossoms. The scriptures teach this as well, “…by small and simple things are great things brought to pass.” (Alma 37:6) In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman found this to be true for happy marriages as well. He says real-life romance is, “kept alive each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued during the grind of everyday life.” He continues, “There’s a reason that seemingly small events are fundamental to a relationship’s future: Each time partners turn toward each other, they are funding what I’ve come to call their emotional bank account. They are building up savings that, like money in the bank, can serve as a cushion when times get rough, when they’re faced with a major life stress or conflict. Because they have stored an abundance of goodwill, such couples are less likely to teeter over into distrust and chronic negativity during hard times.” (John Gottman and Nan Silver, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, pg 88). Here is a great video explaining the concept of an emotional bank account.
The process of “funding the emotional bank account” is done when couples turn toward each other in positive ways throughout the day. "In marriage, couples are always making what I call "bids" for each other's attention, affection, humor, or support. Bids can be as minor as asking for a back rub or as significant as seeking help in carrying the burden when an aging parent is ill. The partner responds to each bid either by turning toward the spouse or turning away. A tendency to turn toward your partner is the basis of trust, emotional connection, passion, and a satisfying sex life" (Gottman, 88.)
This whole week I have been observing members of my family turning towards each other and some away from one another. The difference in the quality of relationship between those who turn toward or away is almost tangible.
There was a tragedy in my family last week when my nephew’s twin infant daughter passed away. I flew to Oklahoma and spent time with family as we grieved with and supported one another. It was heartbreaking to see those who did not have an emotional bank account to support their relationship. Some people turned on each other and the little bit of trust they had was obliterated. Others took turns holding each other up, being stronger together than they could possibly be alone.
After this week, I am even more grateful for the small and simple things Devin and I do to turn toward one another. Because of those everyday acts, I completely trust he will always be there for me. Even at times when we do not get along, when we are really frustrated and mad at each other, I know he is still there for me when I need him. I do not have to second-guess my choice to marry him. I know the Atonement of Jesus Christ can make up for what we each lack. God can make our relationships ideally suited for one another. He truly has that power and will use it to bless us when we turn toward Him.
Keep your emotional bank accounts full, whether they are with your spouse, your roommate, a relative, or a friend. You never know when you are going to have to make a withdrawal. Because of Christ’s Atonement, God can make you whole. What can you do right NOW to make someone else feel loved?
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