Solving the Solvable and Understanding the Perpetual

               Every relationship is a combination of individuals with their own personalities, likes and dislikes, values, temperament, and personality quirks. Naturally, couples must deal with differences in opinion from time to time. Some differences may seem small and inconsequential in the long-run, others may feel overwhelming, imprisoning or lonely, and unsolvable. Dr. John Gottman, in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, has found that all disagreements fall into one of two categories: solvable or perpetual (meaning they will be a part of your relationship in one way or another throughout the lifetime of the relationship).

                The fact that many marital conflicts are solvable, does not make them any less hurtful. The key to resolving these types of arguments is knowing how to discuss them in a productive way. Examples of solvable problems include the following: Haley wants to go to the monthly school board meetings, but Joe wants to play basketball during that time and someone needs to drive their daughter to dance class; Robert has been very overwhelmed at work the past couple of weeks since it is the end of the quarter, and Janelle is irritated to find that he keeps forgetting to do his chore of taking out the garbage each morning before work. If each couple is willing to compromise, both of these conflicts can be solved.

                Perpetual problems are ones that go a bit deeper, and involve one’s values or personality. The couple will most likely always deal with these issues, but the key is to find a way to deal with their unmovable problems so that they do not overwhelm the relationship. Examples include: Donna likes to have a neat and tidy home, but Ray feels more at ease with a bit of a mess around. Sonia is frugal and feels anxious without a budget, but Mike enjoys sporadically making somebody’s day by giving them an extra big tip. Dr. Gottman has found that couples do not have to ultimately resolve marital differences in order for their marriage to thrive. Instead, emotionally intelligent couples effectively handle perpetual problems by keeping them in their place and dealing with them with a sense of humor. They continue to acknowledge the problem and talk about it, which helps them prevent it from engulfing their relationship.

                In the following video, Dr. Julie Gottman (Dr. John Gottman’s wife, also a psychologist) gives some advice on how happily married couples discuss conflict.

https://youtu.be/ubu6hV1BDlE (Links to an external site.)Julie Gottman on what works in couples’ conflict

                In order to help couples solve problems, many marital therapists suggest listening closely to what your partner says and putting yourself in his/her shoes, then communicate in an empathetic way, trying to see things from your partner’s point of view. Because this empathetic approach is so difficult to enact during the intense emotions of an argument, Dr. Gottman’s research showed many happily married couples getting through their disagreements in a different way. Here is his research-based approach:

                                       1. Soften your start-up.

                                       2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts.

                                       3. Soothe yourself and each other.

                                       4. Compromise.

                                       5. Process any grievances so that they don’t linger.

                The following two videos explain this model a little further. It is important to note what Dr. Gottman taught in the first video: the first three minutes of an argument are predictive not only of what will happen in the conversation, but also where the couple will be in six years! In only three minutes! For that reason, a softened start-up is crucial. The following video gives some good examples of this softened start-up, and the last video explains Dr. Gottman’s whole concept quite well.

Link (Links to an external site.)                                                         

Link (Links to an external site.)

                Remember, to get past any conflict, forgiveness needs to take place by both partners. Elder James E. Faust, an apostle of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, taught, “If we can find forgiveness in our hearts for those who have caused us hurt and injury, we will rise to a higher level of self-esteem and well-being. Some recent studies show that people who are taught to forgive become less angry, more hopeful, less depressed, less anxious, less stressed; which leads to greater physical well-being. Another of these studies concludes that forgiveness is a liberating gift that people can give themselves.” (Faust, "The Healing Power of Forgiveness," (Links to an external site.) (Links to an external site.) Ensign, April 2007).

                How can you use softer-start ups and communicate more effectively with someone in your life? Who do you need to forgive?