Parent/Child Dynamics - Infancy to Adulthood

        

        “I’ve learned that when you try to control everything, you enjoy nothing.” – LULU – THEGOODVIBE.CO

                Let’s talk control! Some people relish a sense of power, while others recoil at the idea authority. Whatever your preference, there are two stages of life I want to discuss today where the careful management of control is necessary in the maintenance of good relationships.

                The first situation of control is within the parent/child relationship. The idea of parents “controlling” their children raises the hackles on the back of some people’s necks. They see it as their job to encourage their child’s free spirit. On the other hand, keeping tight reigns on a child’s privacy and always having the last (and sometimes only) say over a child’s decision-making is what brings other parents a sense of comfort and control. So, who is right and where do you fit on the scale?

                Parents give us a stable launching pad from which to explore the world. At the same time, children who are able to form secure emotional bonds with their parents have been found to have secure, happy relationships with healthy social and emotional development later in life. In contrast, psychological control can limit a child’s independence and leave them less able to regulate their own behavior. There needs to be an understood chain of command between parents and children. The parents are the leaders of the family. This position gives their children a sense of safety where they can explore and make mistakes, but have a protection from the elements of life when necessary. They exemplify what it means to be a strong, independent, hard-working, yet loving, compassionate, and forgiving adult. To a child, setting clear moral standards and guidelines, along with reasonable limits is a way to show your child you love him/her. It encourages them to learn and grow, but to also understand their own natural immaturity that is still developing.

                But how long should parents set limits for their children? Into adulthood? This brings me to the next stage of life in which this equilibrium of power shifts. When children become adults, the relationship between them and their parents shifts. The parents no longer have the right or responsibility to exert control over their children, no should they expect their children to obey them as they did when they were young. It becomes the adult child’s responsibility to government themselves and take on the role of adult.

                I have observed this transition to be difficult for both the parents and the children. I have seen young couples who, instead of turning toward one another for strength and support, turn toward their parents or siblings with confidences that ought to be held between the couple. The opinions and desire of the parents hold precedence over their own spouse’s wants and needs. I have also seen parents who cannot seem to let go of “their little girl/boy” and push their way into conversations and decisions that ought to be made by the young couple together. The couple should govern their own lives and make their own prayerful decisions. This is not to say they do not consider advice from others, but they discuss together and equally come to a joint decision.

                The balance of power can be tricky through all stages of life. As a parent, I want my children to feel secure and well-guided through their childhood and adolescence, giving them the confidence to step out on their own when they reach adulthood, plotting their own path through life and developing their own potential to become as Christ.

This is a good video demonstrating destructive parent/child behaviors: