Generational Patterns in Marriage

               My Sonicare toothbrush that I’ve been using for years finally kicked the bucket last week. I haven’t bought a replacement yet, so there the broken one sits, still on my bathroom counter. Annoyingly, I keep reaching for it every time I brush my teeth, only to remember I have to use my cheap toothbrush from the dentist instead.

                Habits are hard to break. Some habits have a positive effect on our lives, and some are more negative. So how do our habits affect others around us? I kept this in mind this week as I studied 3 generations of marital habits in my paternal and maternal family. I was interested in which marriages stayed together, even through the rough times. Which ones dissolved in divorce? How did cohabitation affect later commitment? What role did religion play in a marital relationship? How did adoption affect marriage? I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and as such, I believe couples can be sealed together in one of our sacred temples, making a covenant with God and each other, through the power of God, called the Priesthood, for all of eternity, not just until death do us part. This sealing is in effect for that couple and their children, so long as they live worthy of that blessing. So, another aspect I considered as I studied marital habits in my family, is who was sealed in a temple (covenant marriage) and who was married civilly (contract marriage)?

                I studied a talk from 1996 by Bruce C. Hafen, who was a leader in our church. He recounts the story told in John from the New Testament about a hireling who performed his work of caring for sheep as long as he received something in return. He likened this hireling to a contract marriage where two partners stay together as along as they both are benefitting from the union and getting what they bargained for. Elder Hafen teaches that, just like the hireling in the scripture, when he “’seeth the wolf coming, he “leaveth the sheep, and fleeth…because he…careth not for the sheep.’ By contrast, the Savior said, ‘I am the good shepherd, … and I lay down my life for the sheep.’ Many people today marry as hirelings. And when the wolf comes, they flee.

                Just as Christ sacrificed Himself for His sheep, so, too, must those in a covenant marriage sacrifice themselves for each other. No matter the “wolves” they may face, they obey God, invoking his divine help, and face the wolves together. Because this can be so trying at times, it requires a determination be true to ones’ covenants. It is a leap of faith, not knowing beforehand what wolves lie in wait.  

                Elder Hafen talked about 3 wolves that repeatedly test every marriage; natural adversity (such as illness or death), our own imperfections (ex. selfishness and gossip), and excessive individualism (pursuing one’s own interests at the detriment of others). As I looked at my own family’s marital history, I noticed patterns (or habits as I mentioned earlier) among generations. The idea of likening a contract marriage to the hireling that fled when wolves encroached, held true for almost all of the contract marriages from one generation to the next. However, one hundred percent of the covenant marriages, for three generations, withstood the wolves and sustained their marriages.

                During my studies, one thing has stood out to me, and has ever since the day I got married in the Billings, MT temple: when we make covenants with God, He gives us strength beyond our own. When we use the power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ in our lives, we are given “eyes to see” and “ears to hear” (Ezekiel 12:2). Job 12:13 teaches, “With him is wisdom and strength, he hath counsel and understanding.” I know that when we covenant with God in our marriages, He gives us added strength to guard our lives and our marriages from the wolf’s attack, and we will find “incomprehensible joy.” (Alma 28:8)

Elder Bruce C. Hafen, "Covenant Marriage."