Attunement and Friendship in Marriage
What if someone told you that after watching and listening
to a couple for only 15 minutes, they could predict with 91% accuracy whether
they would stay happily married or eventually separate in divorce? Seems a
little far-fetched, right? Well that’s exactly what Dr. John M. Gottman claims
in his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. In his
laboratories, Dr. Gottman watches couples’ body language, the way they argue
with one another (note: not IF they argue, but the WAY they argue), their physiological
responses to an argument, and their overall friendship. He watches to see if
their positive thoughts and feelings toward each other and their relationship
outnumber the negative ones. These, and other factors, help Dr. Gottman access
the quality of the couple’s friendship. And it is this deep friendship that is
at the heart of a happy couple’s marriage. Dr. Gottman defines friendship as,
“a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company. These couples tend
to know each other intimately-they are well versed in each other’s likes,
dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams. They have an abiding regard
for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but through
small gestures day in and day out.” In fact, this friendship is so crucial that
Dr. Gottman has found that 70% of the determining factor in whether wives feel
satisfied with the sex, romance, and passion in their marriage, is the quality
of the couple’s friendship. The same percentage holds true for men as well.
Another
important term Dr. Gottman wields in the aid of strong marriages is attunement.
This encompasses the positive feelings that fuel happy couples as a result of
their mutual understanding of each other on a core emotional level. Speaking of
attunement, Dr. Gottman says, “The more highly skilled at achieving it that
partners become, the more resilient their friendship and the more solid and
promising their future. Some couples are naturals at attunement. But others
(most of us!) need to work at it somewhat. It is well worth the effort.”
As
couples work on their friendship, attunement comes more naturally. For many
years my husband, Devin, and I have prioritized Friday night as date night. I
cannot tell you how much this has meant to me over the years! Being a homemaker
and having five children, I feel run down by the end of the week, to say the
least. Date night is a breath of fresh air and a source of renewed strength for
me.
As we
started our family, it was hard to leave our little ones when they were sad to
see us go! To add to that complication, my husband was still in school, and “studenthood”
was not very lucrative. We got creative, though, and exchanged babysitting with
friends, utilized the kindness of more experienced parents who were willing to
babysit for us, invented inexpensive dates, and sometimes even took the kids
with us, but still tried to make each other a priority.
Fourteen
years after the birth of our first child, date nights have become vastly less
complicated to initiate, but they are no less essential. Sometimes we choose
fun-filled dates with other couples. Other times we opt to be alone. I look forward
to the quieter time I have with Devin. He fills me in with the details of work.
I fill him in with the details of home. We discuss goals and ambitions. Other
times we discuss our kids. I find it magical how these conversations make it so
much easier to laugh at situations that were so frustrating at the time. I have
a partner to commiserate with, and I trust Devin has my back. Our weekly date
encourages us to reconnect as husband and wife, enjoying one another’s company
and getting to know each other on a deeper emotional level.
The
more attuned we become with one another, the greater the bond of trust and
commitment. It is this deep level of friendship that Gottman says fortifies a
marriage against the woes of disagreements, arguments, and downright anger that
every marriage inevitably faces. Deep down, we each trust that our spouse will
always be there for us, even when that commitment is challenged. I am so
grateful for this date night habit we have formed. Devin builds me up and
fortifies me. My strength is so much greater with him at my back. I cannot
think of anything that has more significantly built our friendship. To be
attuned to another human being opens my eyes to the highly-prized gift of an
eternal companion.
* I highly encourage everyone involved in a relationship to look into Dr. John M. Gottman's work. He is the foremost researcher in relationships. Here is a link to one of his books, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work:
Comments
Post a Comment